Noticing who I am in the presence of a loved one
This post is written by Jennifer Hatt, a certified CODE Model Coach™.
From time to time, we’ll share reflections from the CODE Model Coaches™ in our community. If something in her words resonates, you’re always welcome to reach out to them directly.
For now, enjoy!
I am a powerful manifester. I attract who I want in my world and create marvellous adventures of discovery and joy.
And sometimes, I even allow myself to show up.
Prior to the WEL-Systems ® body of knowledge, I rarely showed up in my life, anywhere. In the divine that I am, I created a buffet of invitations and possibilities. In my physical reality, I attached safety to manageable bits and bites, and only showed up in places and spaces where I could predict, script, and otherwise calibrate for events unfolding before me.
This strategy can serve in very specific situations, such as a workplace presentation or a public hearing. But to an expansive life lived from the emerging all that I am, to the intimacy that I as divinity in tissue desire, strategy can become walking death to me as divine, life support to the me that once was and I can’t bear to part with. Like those too-tight jeans from high school, no room for who I am now but so many memories, and still some wear left in them ...
Living as divine expressed through my body is intimacy with Self: knowing ME, loving ME unconditionally, owning all I am and create, choosing aligned from my ever-flowing divine Signal.Strategy is a part of creation from Signal, the energetic birth canal of divine intention into physical reality. Impact externally, led and fed through impact internally.
But on its own, strategy is a reflection of patterns required for survival of an infinite spirit in a tiny fragile body dependent on those larger and ‘in charge’ … those strategies are smart and serve us well as children. Running them when we’re adults drag us back to being powerless kids trying to engage in the rich full adult lives we crave.
And that’s who I become sometimes, a howling raging toddler on the verge of a meltdown, or that prepubescent child resigned to feeling alone in a crowd, holding as identity never the one picked for a team or invited to a party and learning to live with it.
And ironically, I’ve become those younger versions of self in the presence of those who seek to connect with who I am now, and who I am becoming. In the absence of trust in myself, I choose trust in what I know … rage and loneliness, I know them well.
For years I listened, read, and conversed in this life-revealing paradigm that is the WSI body of knowledge. My beliefs and valued shifted, my health improved, my life expanded to invite and integrate more of ME.
Intimacy, though, remains a fierce sideways dance, beliefs of what I taught and what I experienced in my own creations pulling me into cycles pushed by desire then pulled back by fear … fear of the intensity of my feelings, fear of getting lost in the powerful presence of another, like drowning in a tidal wave of emotion.
I pull back from mySelf sometimes, as layers deepen, as what was yearns to evaporate and what is beckons for space. And as I do this with myself, I do this with others.
With the man I love, I have created opportunities for physical connection and then diverted into stories of grief over what we do not have, how little we have evolved, what I am missing, powerless to make choices for another. I drop into what an intimate relationship “should look like”, leaping past the obvious clue in myself that I do not know what an intimate relationship feels like when fully engaged, fully aligned.
In these moments I have branded intimacy as dangerous, a mysterious power given to another, leaving me open to being used, shamed, and discarded, and unwilling to let go of this known quantity to trust ‘what else’, to trust the image I hold of the intimate relationship I desire.
When I choose to surrender to all I know and feel, sometimes days or weeks after the physical encounter, I realize I already have what I want. A person with whom I can be mySelf, where more of mySelf is invited and essential to our ‘relating’, a person who desires as I do to be more, to learn more, to create, and who is willing to do what it takes, including peeling back scabs, poking at scars, and redefining ‘relating’ as an infinite container ever-changing rather than a stagnant ‘till death do us part’ construct of perseverance and compromise.
A person willing to engage with me in any conversation, when I am willing to show up and lead it.
Over time and through continued engagement in Quantum TLC ™, I have come to realize that there is no betrayal, no punishment, no pain greater than that of self-betrayal.
In other words, no loved one can hurt me more than I hurt myself trying NOT to be hurt, when I know who and what I desire and then sabotage or avoid creating what I want.
When I am aware and engaging all that I am, I fear nothing. I speak plainly. I ask for, then open to receive … and whatever I receive is owned for its intention and invitation to know.
Doesn’t sound terribly romantic, and yet, this is the most deliciously erotic space I have ever encountered.
I want a different way of relating to the man I love, and we have created that beautifully, its impact already felt in the world even as we proceed quietly in the divine realm, not yet ready to descend into matter.
Attempts at descent have been me pulling toward what our relating ‘should look like’ rather than allowing what we want and have; authenticity flies out the window in the wake of conversations designed for strategic challenges and proof of ‘me being right.’
And in those moments we both cease to be divine beings in my life: he becomes a construct that I ‘need’ to behave and choose to map to my pre-existing knowledge of what intimate relating is, and I slip into my pattern of furious child demanding what I want without grace, without compassion, for me and therefore for no one.
And what is intimacy ‘supposed’ to look like?
The stories I hold include priority: holding ‘the relationship’ as sacred, and proving that ‘priority’ by doing things together like going to movies, going to dinner, having sex, going on vacations … things people can see or I can tell them about, evidence that we are intimate and happy and deeply connected … and in writing it all down, how obvious it becomes that none of those pieces of evidence are in and of themselves sacred or intimate.
The intimacy comes from within me, with ME as I open and allow my feelings and desires and experience of him to penetrate and integrate in my own existence … the relating comes in choosing from that integration and my intention for being with him.
Until I owned my desire for him was fuelled by his powerful invitation to myself, by his ability to reflect back to me the infinite essence of my Signal, our powerful relating was consigned to the finite cage of ‘relationship’ and judged harshly for its lack of evidence in the world.
In fact, it was a powerful presence that I chose to subdue to keep my own evolution at bay and venting my diverted energy at him for not ‘measuring up.’ And then I wondered why we spent years in each others’ presence seemingly going nowhere.
Rising up to look down on the supposed mess I created, it was clear the pushing and pulling, stop and start, resulted in metaphors of ‘going nowhere’ that begged me to notice what I was doing … to hold all as my divine creation rather than slip into the role of victim, being done to, being unchosen.
So what does intimacy look and feel like to me now?
It feels like authenticity, the trust in can’t get it wrong in this moment.
It feels like alignment, light and electricity in every cell, vibrating in unison, excited for more.
It feels safe, because it is safe, in ME and of ME, rather than tied to an external reference.
It feels like room to breathe, to evolve, and to BE, fully invited, no apologies.
And the more I feel it for mySelf, the more I feel it from others, and no longer do I fear the intensity or getting lost in another’s presence.
It is perfect. Ongoing. Inviting more. Infinite. Room to breathe. Cherished in Being.
Explore what gets in the way of you telling the truth in your relationships.
Something in you knows…I am here to create. Yet something else in you doesn't allow for movement. In this upcoming Boundless LeaderSelf --Live I’m speaking with Sarah Laverty to gently unpack what’s happening underneath the surface.
Listen in on Saturday March 7th at 11 AM EST.
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